


Not Enough

by Faetori



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Eating Disorders, I am once again projecting onto my favorite characters, M/M, No beta we die like illiterates, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Trans Tsukishima Kei, Tsukishima Kei Has An Eating Disorder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-08
Updated: 2020-08-08
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:22:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25789525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Faetori/pseuds/Faetori
Summary: Tsukishima relapses back into his eating disorder and self harming and goes too far.Please be mindful of the tags
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou/Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei
Comments: 2
Kudos: 268





	Not Enough

**Author's Note:**

> Hey it’s Fae! 
> 
> Catch me pretending not to see all of my unfinished fics aksdkjfjnk 
> 
> There will be resources at the end if anyone needs them! If you’re dealing with shit, PLEASE reach out to someone and find help!!!

Tsukishima looked at himself critically in his full length mirror. He sneered at his reflection, looking at all of his imperfections. His limbs were lanky, his frame too tall. He had freckles, but not in the cute way Tadashi did. He had bruises on his arms and legs from volleyball. His wrists were boney and unsightly, and his fingers were too long and curved in odd ways from blocking. He could count his ribs, and his stomach was a bit caved in. His breasts, which he didn’t know when he would be able to afford to get them removed.

_ It’s not enough. _

He went and threw up what he had just eaten for lunch. 

~~~~~~~

Two weeks later, Kei weighed himself and smiled a bit; he had lost six more pounds. 

~~~~~~~

“Cmon, Tsukki,” Bokuto yelled. “You need to eat more!” 

Tsukishima rolled his eyes at the older boy’s shouting. 

“Keep your voice down, we’re in public. I’m not that hungry, anyway. I had a big lunch.” 

It was a lie, but they didn’t need to know that. He felt Akaashi’s sharp eyes on him, and he tried his best to ignore them. 

“Kei, we’re just worried about you.” 

Tsukishima couldn’t bring himself to look at Kuroo. 

“You’ve lost weight again, and we just want to make sure you don’t fall back into your old habits.” 

Kei could feel a sneer taking over his face as he looked up at the former Nekoma captain. 

“So what if I am? There’s nothing that can be done. I-” His voice got a bit quieter. “I’ll always be like this.” 

Akaashi finally spoke up. 

“You don’t have to be, though. Have you been going to therapy?” 

Usually Kei found Keiji’s soft voice soothing, but right now it just pissed him off more. 

“It’s none of your business,” he grumbled, mostly under his breath. 

“Hey,” started Kuroo, a bit reprimanding. “Akaashi is just trying to help, you don’t need to take out your anger on him!” 

“Why do you even care!” 

Tsukishima realized too late that he was yelling. People started to look over at them, and he felt like he could feel their whispers. 

_ Why are those three sitting with him?  _

_ Why do they put up with someone as mean as him?  _

_ They’re completely out of his league.  _

_ How ugly.  _

Tsukishima could feel his eyes start to sting before standing up and grabbing his bag, walking toward the door. He heard his boyfriends calling after him, but he kept walking. 

~~~~~~~~~~

By the time Kei got home, his face was covered in snot and tears. 

Why  _ were _ they with him? He wasn't good enough. 

He wasn’t kind like Koutarou, with his endless joy and compassion for anyone and everything. 

He wasn't beautiful like Keiji, with his graceful limbs and perfect complexion. 

He wasn’t funny like Tetsurou, with his endless puns and cutting wit. 

No, he was Tsukishima Kei. He was apathetic, bad at lifting people’s spirits and worse at comforting them. He was lanky and awkward, too tall, and unsightly to look at. Whenever he tried to make a joke, it always ended up being mean and oftentimes would hurt somebody’s feelings. 

_ I really am worthless, huh? How lame. _

The three of them deserved better,  _ needed _ better. He was nothing in comparison to them, and it would always be that way. He only made them worry needlessly, even though he told them time and time again that they needn't worry about him. 

Kei felt more tears leak out of his eyes, and he scrubbed at his face with his sleeve. 

They were all perfect together. He didn’t understand why they invited him into the relationship with them in the first place anyway. 

He went over to this bedside drawer, rooting around in it for a moment before finding what he was looking for. He roughly pulled up his sleeve and took the blade to his forearm, cutting harshly before letting out a sigh of relief. He heard his phone ringing, but ignored it to the best of his ability. He cut again, and again, and again, until his arm was littered in cuts with blood bubbling up out of them. 

It wasn’t enough, though. 

Kei grabbed a tissue from on top of his bedside table, wincing slightly as he dabbed at the cuts before cutting more. 

As soon as he made his final cut, a long one running vertical along his arm, he knew he had made a mistake. It hurt, and not in the usual, pleasant way. 

“Shit,” he muttered out, grabbing several tissues to hold to the cut, but the tissue was quickly soaked with red. He threw the bloodstained tissues on the ground before shakily getting to his feet, trying his best to ignore how dizzy he now was. He made it to the bathroom, grabbing a towel from the rack and applying it with pressure to his arm. 

He knew he fucked up when the towel quickly became bloodsoaked. 

He stumbled back into his room, trying to find his phone. He finally found it when it started ringing again, Kuroo’s smirking face across the screen. He fumbled to answer it, far too aware of how heavily he was breathing. 

“Kei! Finally, fuck, why have you been ignoring our calls and messages? We’ve been worried! We’re outside your house, but the door is locked, can you let us in?” 

Tsukishima tried his hardest to focus on what his boyfriend was saying, but he had started seeing black spots in his vision. 

“Te-Tetsu, I can’t- I can’t think. I can’t get up. My arm- I cut too deep, I can’t-” 

He heard the man mutter an expletive under his breath before he tried the door handle again. 

“Kei, honey, we can’t get to you, the door is locked.” He sounded frantic now, and Kei could hear the voices of his other boyfriends in the background. 

A moment later, there was a loud crash before he heard hurried footsteps on the stairs up to his room. 

Tsukishima slumped fully onto the ground, at peace knowing his boyfriends were here. They would help him. And if they couldn’t, what better way to die than surrounded by your three favorite people? 

He heard the door bust open, and suddenly there were hands on his face, patting his cheeks lightly. 

“Kei?? Cmon, Moonshine, the ambulance is on the way, but you gotta stay awake for us.” 

Tsukishima groaned quietly when he felt soft hands on his arm, looking over the cuts. 

“Kou,” he heard Akaashi say, “take off your belt, I need to make a tourniquet on Kei’s arm, we need to try and slow the bleeding.” 

Bokuto quickly took off his belt, handing it to the smaller black haired boy. 

“Kei, sweetheart, i'm gonna wrap this around your arm, and it’s gonna hurt, but it’ll help you, alright?” 

Keiji didn’t wait for a response before he wrapped the belt around Tsukishima’s bicep, tightening the belt as much as it allowed. 

“N-no, hurts, stop..” 

Tsukishima opened his eyes a bit, wincing at the lights in his room. He tried again, and saw all three of his boyfriends. 

Tetsurou was in front of him, gentle hands on his face, talking to him and trying to keep him awake. Keiji was next to him, keeping the belt on his arm and still applying pressure to his cuts. Koutarou was pacing around the room, still on the phone with the 911 operator and keeping them updated on his condition. 

Kei looked around, coming to a bit more, the realization of what he had done finally setting in. He felt tears start to fall again, weakly lifting his good arm to hold onto Kuroo’s arm. 

“T-Tetsu, I don’t- I don’t wanna die.” 

“Shh,” he soothed, “You’re alright, Moonshine. You’re not gonna die, okay? I’m not letting that happen, no matter what.” 

Kei heard someone crying, and he was annoyed for a moment before realizing it was  _ him _ . 

“I-I’m sorry!” 

Keiji wiped at his face with a tissue after securing the tourniquet, shushing him softly. 

“Kei, you need to stay calm for us, sweetheart. Help is on the way.” 

“No, no no no, Keiji, Tetsu, Kou, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” 

He felt his eyes drifting shut, vaguely heard his boyfriends voices get louder before he succumbed to the exhaustion. 

~~~~~~~~~~~

Tsukishima woke up a couple times, but was never lucid enough to know where he was or what was going on. 

When he finally truly woke up, his first thought was how bright the lights were. 

_ Where am I? _

He tried to look around, but felt dizzy after moving his head around too much. 

_ Doesn’t matter if I look around or not, I don’t have my glasses; I can’t see a damn thing.  _

A loud snore interrupted his reverie. He looked in the direction of the noise, blurrily seeing black and silver curls. He smiled and reached out, placing a hand on Bokuto’s head, running his fingers through the bicolored curls. He looked around again, this time looking for people. He was pleasantly surprised to see two heads of black on the other side of him. 

He reached out to tap what he thought was Kuroo’s arm, tapping it a couple times before he heard a sleepy groan. 

“Mm? Keiji, what?” 

Kei smiled a bit, tapping him again. 

“Te-” He erupted into a coughing fit after trying to talk. 

_ That _ woke everyone up, and the room erupted into chaos. 

Bokuto snorted himself awake, looking around wildly for a moment before his eyes landed on Tsukishima, a grin suddenly taking over his face. 

Keiji sat up slowly, stretching out his back and arms before smiling at Tsukishima. 

Finally, Kuroo sat up, eyes fluttering open and closed a couple times before looking at Tsukishima. 

“Kei! You’re awake! Holy shit you’re awake. Okay, uhh, we need to call the nurse!” 

Kuroo grabbed the nurse call button, forcefully pressing it. Within a minute a nurse came in, smiling when she saw Kei with his eyes open. 

“Hello, Tsukishima-san. How are you feeling?” 

Kei paused. How  _ was _ he feeling? He was in pain, and his arms felt a million pounds each. He cleared his throat before trying to speak again. 

“Ah… I’m okay, I think? Why am I in the hospital?” 

The room went silent, his boyfriends looking between each other worriedly. 

“Tsukishima-san,” the nurse started, before she was quickly interrupted by Akaashi. 

“Kei, you- you tried to kill yourself last night.” 

Kei’s eyes widened slightly. 

“I thought that was a dream.” 

“More like a nightmare,” muttered Bokuto.

“You’re lucky to have survived, Tsukishima-san. If these three hadn’t gotten to you when they did, you probably wouldn’t be here right now.” 

Kuroo squeezed his hand tighter, pressing a kiss to the back of his hand. 

“We almost lost you, Moonshine.” 

Kei squeezed his eyes shut, shaking his head slightly. 

“I’m so sorry.”

Bokuto softly shushed him, running a hand through his hair. 

“It’ll be okay, Tsukki. We’ll get through this, I promise.”

Tsukishima nodded, comforted by the fact that no matter what happened, he would have his boyfriends by his side. 

**Author's Note:**

> The National Eating Disorder Association (NEDA) runs a free, confidential hotline available Monday–Thursday, 9:00 am EST – 9:00 pm EST and Friday, 9:00 am EST– 5:00 pm EST 
> 
> Phone: 1-800-931-2237  
> Text: Text “NEDA” to 741-741 
> 
> In the case of suicidal ideation, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is available 24 hours daily. 
> 
> Phone: 1-800-273-TALK 
> 
> Please stay safe y’all. I love and care about each and every one of you!!!


End file.
